Sometimes we Christians can have a habit of taking ourselves a little seriously, but God’s plan for us is to enjoy Him to enjoy His creation and to enjoy the life He has given us. So... to help a little in that vein, here’s our collection of funnies. Some are about the Christian life, others about life in general and some... well, they’re just corny. We hope they’ll tickle your funny-bone.

 

If you have a favourite (clean) joke or quote, why not send it to us using the form on our Contacts page. We’d love to add some more to our collection.

 

Snow White the Photographer

 

Snow White bought a new camera. She happily took pictures of the dwarfs and the forest, and dropped off her first roll of film to be developed.

 

A few days later, she went to pick up the finished photos. "I'm sorry," the clerk told her. "They aren't back yet."

 

Disappointed, Snow White started to cry.

 

"Don't worry," the clerk said. "Someday your prints will come."

 

Country School-teacher

 

A young teacher from the city had accepted a temporary job in a class of five-year-olds in a small farming community in outback NSW. One of her first lessons involved teaching the letter 'S', so she held up a big photo of a sheep and said: "Now, who can tell me what this is?"

 

No answer. Twenty blank and wordless faces looked back at her.

 

"Come on, who can tell me what this is?" she exclaimed, tapping the photo determinedly, unable to believe that the children were quite so ignorant. The 20 faces became apprehensive and even fearful as she continued to question them with mounting frustration.

 

Eventually, one brave soul put up a tiny, reluctant hand. "Yes!" she cried. "Tell me what you think this is!" "Please, Miss," said the boy warily. "Is it a three-year-old Spanish Merino?"

 

Biblical Role-models

 

A young man had just got his driver's licence and inquired of his father, a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy. "I’ll make a deal with you, son. You improve your grades to a B-average, study your Bible a bit more and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car later."

 

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car. Again, they went into the study where his father said, "Son, I've been really proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible, but I'm very disappointed that you haven't got your hair cut".

 

The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair. Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus himself had long hair."

 

To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?"

 

A selection of quotes:

 

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." Dick Cavett

 

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." George Gobol

 

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx

 

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." Marty Feldman

 

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."

George Carlin.

 

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is."

Ellen DeGeneris

 

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

Rodney Dangerfield.

 

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

Groucho Marx

 

"When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me."

Emo Phillips

 

Amateur Detectives

 

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk along the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach nearly every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the bag she carried, except for one thing. She would often approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

 

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the police, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a few days they decided to find out for certain what was going on, so the husband took his beach chair and sat directly in the path the girl normally took, hoping she'd approach him. Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

 

The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly." No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. "Well, she's a battery salesperson." "Batteries?" cried the wife.

 

"Yes," he replied. "She sells C cells by the Seashore

 

Wedded Bliss

 

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

 

The man says: "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were travelling at least 75 in a 60 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was only doing 65."

Wife: "Oh, Bill. You were doing 80."

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

 

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Bill, you've known about that tail light for weeks."

[Man gives his wife an even dirtier look.]

 

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh, Bill, you never wear your seat belt."

 

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Will you please shut up, woman!"

 

Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Madam, does your husband always talk to you this way?" Wife: "No... only when he's drunk."

 

[Postscript]  As the officer starts to walk back to his car to grab the breathalyser, he overhears the wife again: "See, I told you it was bad luck to drive a stolen car!"

 

Groaner

 

Two antenna's decided one day to get married. The wedding wasn't that good but the reception was great!!!

 

Working late

 

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

 

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

 

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the shredder on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

 

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."

 

Flying photographer

 

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a big bushfire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

 

When he arrived at the small, country airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

 

After a long pause the pilot said, "So you're not the instructor?"

 

At the Pearly Gates #3

 

Old Bert was a stockman who'd never had any formal schooling, but was full of the wisdom that only comes from the 'school of life'. Bert died one day and found himself at the pearly gates.  Saint Peter consulted his book and, with a furrowed brow, told Bert: "I'm afraid you're not on the list, but don't lose hope. We have a special offer, for today only. I can let you in if you successfully answer three general knowledge questions: 1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'. 2. How many seconds are in a year? 3. Give me two of God's many names" Bert thought for a few minutes and answered...  "1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow. 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 3. Two of God's names are Andy and Howard."  Saint Peter scratched his head and said, "OK, I'll give you Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, but how did you get 12 seconds in a year." "Well," Bert replied, "January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...." "OK,OK, I'll give you that one too," said Saint Peter, "but where did you get Andy and Howard as names of God?" "Well, it's obvious", said Bert, "from the song....Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own..., and the prayer...Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...." Saint Peter opened the gates and let him in, without another word.

 

The Wisdom of Solomon

 

Two women ran into the court of King Solomon, dragging a very harried looking young man between them. One of them yelled, "My daughter was to marry this man, but this other woman claims he is betrothed to HER daughter!"  "There is a simple solution," said the King. "I shall cut the man in two and each of your daughters can have a piece." "Fine by me!" said the first woman. "No, don't, I would rather let the other girl marry him than that!" cried the second.  The King didn't hesitate for a minute. "Fine." he said. "The first woman my have him." "What?" protested the other? "She wanted him cut in two!" "Indeed." said the king. "She shows the true spirit of a mother-in-law!"

 

They were tough in those days…

 

My grandfather was brought up in the country and started his working life in a blacksmith’s shop. He told me, when I was a boy, that to build up his strength and endurance for this strenuous work he invented his own exercise program. He started with two 5 pound potato sacks, one held in each hand. He would hold them out at arms length for one minute. After a few weeks of this, he switched to 10 pound sacks and later, 20 pound sacks. Eventually, he was able to hold two 50 pound potato sacks at arm’s length for a full minute.

 

Next, he started to put potatoes in the sacks…

 

Second Chance

 

A wealthy middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital. Unfortunately, she dies whilst they are trying to resuscitate her. She arrives at the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter, who is very apologetic. "There seems to have been some sort of mix-up,” he says, you're not due here for another 40 years. We'll have to send you back."

 

The woman wakes up in the hospital emergency ward and makes a decision: "If I'm going to be around for another 40 years, I'm going to make the most of it." So she has herself transferred to the plastic surgery department, where she has a facelift, lipo-suction and breast implants, has her varicose veins removed and her teeth re-enamelled. She also calls in a beautician to give her a new hair-do and colour. A few weeks later, the now gorgeous woman leaves the hospital with a great sense of excitement, to commence her new life.

 

As she steps out the door, she is hit by a speeding ambulance and once again finds herself at the Pearly Gates. "I thought you said I had another 40 years", she complains to St. Peter, as he signs her in. "Sorry", he says sheepishly..... "we didn't recognise you."

 

Temperance

 

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

 

The worship leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

 

Lost for Words

 

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"  "Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.  "Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.  "Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."

 

Heaven can Wait

 

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"  The man says, "That I do, Father."  The priest says, "Then stand over there against the wall."  Then the priest asks a second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"  "Certainly, Father," the man replies.  "Then stand over there against the wall," says the priest. Then Father Murphy walks up to O'Toole and says, "Do you want to go to heaven?"  "No, I don't Father" says O'Toole.

 

The priest is horrified, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"  "Oh, when I die, yes,” says O'Toole, “I thought you were looking for volunteers to go right now."

 

Adam & Eve

 

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands…

 

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. 'You're running around with other women,' she accused.

 

'You're being unreasonable,' Adam responded. 'You're the only woman on earth.' The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

 

'What do you think you're doing?' Adam demanded.

 

'Counting your ribs,' said Eve.

 

Naming the Babies  (An oldie, but still a goodie!)

 

One evening, Mrs. Jones announced that she had gone into labour and needed to get to the hospital. Mr. Jones rushed out to start the car, but unfortunately the battery was flat, so he had to call his brother, Bill, and ask him to give them a lift.

 

They arrived in time and the labour proceeded normally, but when Mr. Jones saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When he woke up he was in a bed with a doctor standing over him.

 

"Mr. Jones," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the children."

 

"What! My brother is an idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?"

 

"He named your daughter Denise."

 

"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"

 

"He named your son Denephew."

 

Skydiver

 

A man goes skydiving for the first time.  After he jumps out of the plane, he counts to ten and pulls the ripcord, but nothing happens.  Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxiliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still does not appear.

 

As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way.  He shouts to her "Do you know anything about parachutes?"  

 

"No", she says, "do you know anything about gas ovens?"

 

Riches in Heaven

 

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very upset because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

 

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

 

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

 

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to be greeted by St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

 

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying,

 

"You're right. You're allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

 

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought paving stones?!!!"

 

Iraqi Footballer

 

What Aussie joke site would be complete without a “Footy” joke? Well, here’s ours…

 

A group of Aussie Soldiers, on tour in Iraq, teach a group of young locals the joys of Aussie Rules football and play a few games with them. One young lad shows remarkable skill, and one of the soldiers ends up chatting with him. "Would you like to play football in Australia? A good friend of mine knows Paul Roos, the coach of the Sydney Swans. He could help you."

 

The boy appears very keen and so, when the soldier returns home, he asks his friend. Well, it turns out that the Swans are interested and so the young lad is brought over. He starts off in the Junior team, but is so good he gets steadily promoted until he ends up on the interchange bench for the Firsts in the Grand Final at the M.C.G.

 

The game reaches three-quarter time and the score is tied. "All right", says Roos, "Let's see what you can do". On to the ground the boy goes. He scores four fantastic goals and the team have a whopping victory. Afterwards, the lad goes to a 'phone to call his Dad. "Dad", he says, "we won the Grand final! I scored four goals!!"

 

His Dad is unimpressed and replies, "Don't you give me that! Back here, we're going through Hell! Your Mother went out for bread this morning and hasn't been seen since. Your sister was robbed last night and your brother was beaten up in the street on his way back from school!"

 

"But Dad", complains the youth, "you can't blame me for that!"

 

"Well", said his father, "you made us come to Sydney!"

 

Amish Virus

 

You have just received the Amish virus.

 

Because we don't have any computers, or programming experience, this virus works on the honour system.

 

Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

 

Thank you for your cooperation.

 

The Politically Correct Story of Little Red Riding Hood

 

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

 

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of non-traditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

 

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house. "But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionised people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?" Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form. "But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?" Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free.

 

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?" And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

 

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?" But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health". Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

 

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors. Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and ruffians, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalised peoples should be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

 

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was quite self-confident and chose to engage in dialogue with the Wolf. She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity." The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

 

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

 

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

 

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

 

Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

 

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

 

"And Grandma, what big nose you have, only relatively of course, and certainly attractive in its own way."

 

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

 

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these speciesist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

 

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

 

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an axe.

 

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

 

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on university entrance exams."

 

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is a Greenpeace sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

 

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

 

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

 

"Sure," said the Wolf.

 

"Thanks."

 

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on the back, gave a little belch, and said, "Do you have any Alka Seltzer?"

 

Evangelist Barber

 

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."

 

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."

 

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you..........Are you ready to die?"

 

Who makes the Coffee?

 

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first so we won't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

 

The husband said, "You're in charge of the cooking around here. You should do it because that's your job and I don't mind waiting for my coffee in the morning."

 

Wife:  "No, you should do it.  Besides, it says in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."

 

Husband:  "OK, if it says in the Bible that the man should make the coffee then I'll never question you again."

 

The wife opened the Bible to the New Testament and showed him on the top of several pages that it indeed says.....

.

.

.

"HEBREWS"

 

If Noah had lived in Australia

 

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.

 

I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

 

In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

 

Exactly one year later, fierce storms covered the earth, and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted, "where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a permit for construction and Your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw Your plans. Then I got into a fight with the Occupational Health and Safety Commission over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.

 

Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to lodge a Rezoning Application with the City Council & it is now with the Land & Environment Court.

 

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the kookaburra. I finally convinced the Dept. of Conservation & Land Management that I needed the wood to save the kookaburras. However, National Parks & Wildlife won't let me catch  any kookaburras, so no kookaburras. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the Dept. of Industrial Relations before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no kookaburras.

 

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by the RSPCA. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark, without filing an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

 

Then the Dept. of Land and Water Conservation demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them an atlas. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, that I am practising discrimination by not taking atheists aboard!

 

The Australian Tax Office has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I also have to wait for the registration of my ABN (Australian Business Number) for the GST.

 

I just got a notice from the Waterways Authority that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational watercraft. I also need a Boat Drivers Licence, but they are debating about how to classify the craft.

 

I am getting continual visits from Greenpeace, the RSPCA, Workcover, The Sheriff's Office, and numerous other Government departments.

 

Finally, The Australian Council for Civil Liberties got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, and therefore unconstitutional, so I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

 

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean You are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord.

 

"I don't have to. The bureaucracy has beaten Me to it!"

 

The Wedding

 

Stan, age 92, and Mavis, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist shop. Stan suggests they go in. Stan addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you the owner?"

 

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

 

Stan: "Do you sell heart medication?"

 

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

 

Stan: "How about medicine for circulation?"

 

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

 

Stan: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

 

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

 

Stan: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

 

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

 

Stan: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

 

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

 

Stan: "You sell wheelchairs and walking frames?"

 

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

 

Stan says to the pharmacist: "We'd like place our wedding gift register here, please."

 

Three Golfers

 

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed and said, "What's up with these guys? We must have been waiting 15 minutes!"

 

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such incompetence!"

 

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

 

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh yes, that's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

 

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor says, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."

 

The doctor says, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there's anything he can do for them."

 

The engineer says, "Why can't they play at night?"

 

At the Pearly Gates #2

 

A man arrives at the gates of heaven and gives his name to Saint Peter. After checking the records, Saint Peter tells him he can come in. "But I'm afraid you'll have a fairly low ranking. It seems you've never done anything outstanding in your life."

 

"What do you mean?" the man says. "What about when I came to the aid of that little old lady who was being pushed around by those motorcycle thugs?"

 

Obviously impressed, Saint Peter looks though the record books again. Finding nothing, he says: "You did that?"

 

The man says: "Yes, I kicked over a couple of bikes and told them to pick on someone their own size."

 

Saint Peter is puzzled. He says: "There is absolutely no record of it. When did it happen?"

 

"OH ABOUT TEN MINUTES AGO.."

 

The New Ark

 

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah, I want you to build me a new Ark".

 

Noah replies, "No problem God, anything you want, after all you're the boss......" but God interrupts, "Ah there a catch.  This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks, one on top of the other".

 

"20 Decks?" screams Noah. "Well, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

 

"Yep, that's right, well… sort of right… this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

 

"Fish?" queries Noah......"Yep, fish”, says God, “but to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp......wall to wall......floor to ceiling...Carp!"

 

Noah looks to the skies.  "OK God, let me get this right."

 

"You want a New Ark?"

 

"Check"

 

"With 20 Decks?"

 

"Check"

 

"One on top of the other?'

 

"Check"

 

"And you want it full of Carp?"

 

"Check"

 

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..............

 

"Well", says God.....

.

.

.

 

"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"

 

Blind Pilots

 

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.  They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that.

 

The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms - both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

 

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.  The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

 

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realise that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin - but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

 

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

 

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."

 

History according to 6th Graders

 

An Insight into the minds of 6th graders: The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test.

 

* Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

 

* Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

 

* Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

 

* The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

 

* Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.  After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

 

*  In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw Java.

 

* Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

 

*  Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw.

 

* Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

 

* It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

 

* Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper

 

Taxi Driver

 

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up onto the footpath and stopped just centimetres from a large plate glass window.

 

For a few moments, everything was silent in the cab. Then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also badly shaken, said, "I'm so sorry. I didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder would frighten you so much."

 

The driver replied, "It's not really your fault. It's just that today is my first day driving a taxi. I've spent the last 25 years driving a hearse."

 

At the Pearly Gates

 

Two men stood at the Pearly Gates and were met by St. Peter.  “Who are you and what did you do on earth?” asked St. Peter of the first man.  “I’m Fred Smith,” said the first “and I drove a Melbourne taxi for thirty five years.”  St. Peter consulted his roll and then turned back to the man.  “Welcome to Heaven” he said.  “Take this silken robe and golden staff and pass through the gates.”

 

St. Peter then turned to the second man.  “I am Samuel Johnson”, declared the man loudly, “and I was the minister at Holy Trinity church for forty years!”  St. Peter again consulted his role.  “Ah yes” he said “Here you are.  Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and pass through.”  “Wait a minute,” said Rev. Johnson, “this can’t be right.  Why does a taxi driver get a silk robe and a golden staff and I, a pious man of God, get only a cotton robe and a wooden staff?”

 

“Well I’m afraid that we go on results here” replied St. Peter.  “While you preached, people slept.  While he drove, people prayed!”

 

The Kangaroo Hunters

 

Rob and Charlie, having failed as painters (see our very first joke), decide to become professional kangaroo shooters.  On their first day out, Charlie is driving while Rob blazes away from the back of the ute, when all of the sudden there is a massive "thump".  Charlie looks in the rear-view mirror to see that Rob has disappeared, so he circles back to look for him.  He finds Rob lying below the tree branch that knocked him off the ute. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

 

Charlie whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency service. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Charlie's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

 

A Tale of Two Prawns

 

There were once two prawns named Thomas and Christian.  They were the best of friends and did everything together.  They were always seen together at the best prawn parties and were unbeaten doubles champions in the local prawn tennis comp.

 

One day, as Thomas was having breakfast, there was a strange noise and a beautiful golden codfish appeared before him in a puff of bubbles.  "Who are you?" asked Thomas in wonder.  "I'm your Fairy Cod-Mother" replied the golden vision, "and I've come to grant you two wishes.  You can have your first wish now, then I'll come back in a month to grant your second wish."  "That's an easy one" said Thomas, "I'm tired of being a tiny prawn.  I want to be a shark!"  With a wave of her wand, the fairy cod-mother granted his wish, then was gone in a cloud of bubbles.

 

Thomas was elated and went out to show his friends how big and strong he'd become.  But when he went to his favourite prawn hangouts, everyone swam away and hid.  It was like that wherever he went - all his old friends were afraid of him.  Worst of all, his best friend Christian wouldn't even talk to him, but hid, shaking, behind a piece of coral.

 

The next month was miserable for Thomas, his prawn friends were afraid of him and the other sharks treated him with disdain.  Finally, the day came when his fairy cod-mother appeared again.  "Do you have another wish?" she asked.  "Oh yes!" said Thomas "Please turn me back into a prawn."

 

Again, his wish was granted in an instant and he hurried off to see his old friends.  Everyone was pleased to see him and he shouted drinks all round at the prawn pub.  But he was disappointed not to see his best friend Christian anywhere about.  "Has anyone seen Christian?" he asked.  "Christian has locked himself in his house since the day you became a shark" he was told. "No-one can entice him out".

 

Thomas immediately went around to  Christian's house and knocked on the door.  "Go away!" came Christian's voice from inside the house.  "But it's me Thomas.  Come out and talk to me."  "I'm not stupid" replied Christian "You're a shark and you want to eat me!".

 

"No, it's ok.  You can trust me." said Thomas.

 

"I'm a prawn again Christian."

 

The Panda

 

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After eating the sandwich, he pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter in the foot, and prepares to leave.

 

The manager shouts, "Where are you going? You ate your food, shot my waiter, and now you're leaving without paying!"

 

The panda responds, "I can't help it. I'm a panda - that's what pandas do. If you don't believe me, look it up." With that, the panda slams a dictionary on the table and exits the restaurant.

 

The manager, being curious, grabs the dictionary and checks the definition for a panda. It reads: "A rare bear-like mammal of the mountains of China and Tibet, having woolly fur with distinctive black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves."

 

Sick Presbyterian

 

The Baptist minister had been summoned to the bedside of a Presbyterian woman who was quite ill. As he walked up the path, he met the little daughter of the woman and said to her, "I'm very glad your mother remembered me in her illness. Is your minister out of town?"

 

"No," answered the child. "He's at home, but we thought it might be something contagious, and we didn't want to expose him to it."

 

Beethoven’s Grave

 

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognisable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

 

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

 

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

 

Suddenly the realisation of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

 

Departing Pastor

 

At his farewell function after ten year's faithful service at his country church, the pastor was doing the rounds of the congregation and saying his goodbyes. He finally came to Mavis, a 40 year veteran church-member.

 

"We'll never have another pastor as good as you", she said as she shook his hand. The pastor went a little red with embarrassment at this praise, but managed to stammer out, "Really, I'm sure that my successor will be quite capable of filling my shoes." "No, take my word for it", said Mavis, "I've seen five pastors come and go from this church and each one has been worse than the one before him."

 

The Modern Samaritan

 

A man was walking down a road on his way home when he was attacked by a thug, who beat him up and robbed him.  The man was left, unconscious and bleeding, by the side of the road.

 

A wealthy surgeon was walking that way and saw the man lying in the gutter.  He gazed at the man in disgust, before crossing to the other side of the road and quickly walking past.  A few minutes later, a famous tele-evangelist came along, looked at the man briefly and then hurried past, "tsk-tsk'ing" as he went.

 

Finally, a social worker came along.  Seeing the man lying in the gutter, she rushed over and took in the scene with a look of horror on her face.  "Good Heavens!" she exclaimed, "Whoever did this needs help."

 

Nuns in Transylvania

 

Two nuns are on vacation in Transylvania. Despite all the warnings, they've stayed out after dark. Sure enough, as they're driving along, a vampire flies out of the night and lands on their windshield, hissing and baring his horrible fangs.

 

"What shall we do?" cries the younger nun.

 

"Turn on the windshield wipers. Maybe that will break his grip," answers the older nun.

 

No luck. Now the vampire is wet and angry. He claws at the windshield.

 

"Now what shall we do?" yells the first nun, getting even more scared.

 

"Weave the car back and forth. Maybe he'll fall off," says the second nun.

 

No luck. The vampire is beating on the glass now, and it's starting to crack.

 

"NOW WHAT!?!?!" cries the first nun.

 

The second nun tries to remember how to get rid of vampires. She has a sudden flash of insight. "Show him your cross!" she yells, triumphantly.

 

The first nun sticks her head out the window and yells, "Get off my car, fang-face, before I smack you with a ruler!"

 

Christian Dog

 

A good Christian family decided that they would get a dog but, being a good Christian family, it would have to be a good Christian dog. So they visited their local Christian pet shop and asked to see the best Christian dog in the shop.

 

The shopkeeper whistled the first line of "How Great Though Art" and up bounded a huge Great Dane to sit at his feet.  The family were very impressed by the dog, but as they needed to be sure he was a good Christian dog, they asked the shopkeeper to prove it to them.

 

"Fetch," said the shopkeeper, and the dog bounded off to return with a bible in its mouth. "Matthew 6:11," said the shopkeeper, and the dog used its nose to open the bible at the correct passage. "Corinthians 2:4," said the shopkeeper, but the dog just stared at him with a puzzled look on his face.  "Sorry, 2nd Corinthians 2:4," he corrected, and the dog once again found the right passage. The family were absolutely blown away and immediately bought the dog.

 

That evening, they were demonstrating their new dog's skills to some friends from their church, when one friend said, "That's one clever dog, but does he do normal dog tricks?" "I don't know", said the owner, "Let's find out."

 

Looking down at the dog, he loudly commanded, "Heel", at which the dog immediately lurched up onto it's back legs, placed a front paw on the man's forehead and bowed it's head in prayer.

 

The Church Painters

 

The outside of the church needed painting and so the Board put out a tender for the work. Rob and Charlie, a couple of local lads, thought they'd give it a go and put in a price which was accepted by the Board.  Unfortunately, when they got started, they realised they had seriously underestimated the amount of paint they would need and were certainly going to lose money on the job.

 

"No worries," said Rob, "We'll just thin the paint down with water to make it go further. No-one will know the difference." The lads painted for the next few days and were nearly finished when storm clouds gathered overhead. The clouds unleashed a torrent of rain and the lads were horrified to see their thinned paint washing off and flowing down the walls of the church.

 

"What'll we do now?" asked a frantic Charlie. At that point, there was a roll of thunder and a booming voice came from the heavens: "Repaint, you Thinners!  Repaint and Thin no more!”